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[Nov. 11th, 2006|07:22 pm] |
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I think I'm going to give up on this. talk to me on AIM if you want to know anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2006|12:17 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | whatever is playing in my head | ] |
this journal entry is being written in c006a computer I. so the PC behind me is working hard, or hardly working...writing the data on somd elite chrome 100...yeah, I finally got the right film! it was being a pain at first, because, apparently, students don't have the access priviledges to use the film recorder...I think this is a safeguard against possible misuse. I would've been out of here earlier had I been able to use the recorder from my account, but whatev. another thing that sucked was that I transfered the files onto the computer, and since the desktop gets cleared whenever one logs off, the files were gone, so I had to spend another ~20min transfering them. bob was pretty unhappy with the "desktop deletion" as we coined it, he was unaware of that being implemented. I just rolled (the chair) over to the machine and it has two done so far, oh, three now. I'm anxious to see how this turns out. it sucks that I have to take it somewhere to get processed, but I guess I'm still getting off easy this way, as that is only about $8+tax, as opposed to having tri-color do the whole process for me for about $13/slide...I'm making seven slides. I asked bob about the possibility of shooting the other 17 frames, and he advised against it (sort of)...he said that the film recorder and camera may not have the same spacing in where the data is transfered to the film, so we don't know if the auto advance would work or not. I might try to advance it manually (if possible), so I can see the kind of results I get from taking an actual photo with a camera, but I dunno...I don't wanna risk anything, ya know? obviously, I've reverted back to my capitalized i... bob is a cool guy, he's done a lot of stuff in his life and knows a whole lot about digital imaging...he was impressed that I knew actions in photoshop, cause a lot of senior students don't even know them!! he said that was related to who taught the class and whether they used actions in their work...I like actions for resizing, watermarking, saving, and things like that. pretty much, if you shoot in the same style, you can make an action for one file and it'll give nice results on all of your files, making post-processing time A LOT quicker! I feel like a goob rolling back and forth, but that's ok, I don't think this girl thinks I'm weird, so that's good or something. four slides have been produced, so I only have three more to do (for those of you who can't count). oh, I mixed my big thing of paint for design concepts, so I'll work on that either today, while I'm waiting for the film to be processed and mounted, or over the weekend. this weekend, I'm going to try to get caught up in drawing because I'm pretty damn far behind, and I really don't feel like getting anything lower than a C...I think if I did, I'd have to retake it :-( it doesn't help that vian is like the most hardestcorest of the hardcore drawing instructors here...I've definitely seen improvement, but I lack the patience to keep trying at things. I don't mind taking a whole bunch of time on photography, though, and hopefully that will never change. I'm looking forward to my senior year, as I'll only have three classes for the whole year, so I'll have tons of time to concentrate on my senior thesis. woo, only one more frame to process! I don't really have much more to say right now, so I think I'm gonna get going. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2006|01:18 pm] |
today was alright, except that i totally sucked in drawing today. my head just wasn't with it. i think i'm going to school a little early tonight cuz i need to make those slides. tim's gonna be there, so i'll have someone to talk to and he can maybe help me figure stuff out if i get confused, so that's good. i'm so behind in drawing, i'm not sure it's worth it to keep going...i think i'm going to ask what rick thinks on friday. i just have no motivation in that class, and it's easily the most demanding and most rewarding (it's cool to be able to draw).
i might try taking a nap for a little bit before class, but i don't think I actually will.
i dunno, i guess this isn't gonna be a long entry...
oh, and i decided to stop capitalizing i because i felt like it...i've had to go back and change it to lower-case a few times now. i don't know that i'll keep with that...probably not.
things are really weird for me right now.
i don't know if I'm breaking things down too much.
i'm gonna eat an airhead now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|12:31 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | bright eyes - true blue | ] |
I got out of school about 20min early today, so I got home when I was supposed to be getting out. on the way home, some jackass got in front of me w/their stupid truck, and it was all wet and spraying, so I went around and did it to them, and they dropped way back...I thought it was funny. I got a stinkin B+ on that design concepts thing...I guess it's not bad for 5ish hrs of work (11pm-3am & 6:50am-7:35am)...that's just the life of a CCS student...everyone procrastinates. Last night, as it was getting really late, I was starting to get in a really bad mood, same w/this morning...I was so damn tired and I j/kept thinking. I'm gonna vote today, dunno about the props, gonna have to do some reading on them real quick, and I know who I want for governor, so that's good. oh yeah, my mom is such an old lady...she works at a polling place!...what a goob.
I didn't feel like doing my work, so I doodled a bit...I dunno, j/some thoughts that have been going through my head
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2006|12:33 pm] |
welp, I told my mom... I mentioned that I think I want to talk to *someone*, she suggested someone at school, but I guess I want someone w/their own practice, preferably a psychiatrist, as they'll be able to prescribe things to me. the psychologist would have to call my doctor and have him write a script, but I think I'd rather get it all done in one shot. right now I'm actually not feeling that bad, I think I might take a sedative of some sort so I can just float on through today. I have things to do, but I'm not motivated enough to do them...yet. I really do want to get better, and if that means forgetting about her for the time being, or, I hate to say it, forever, I guess I'll just have to do it, because as much as I like to say otherwise, I don't like feeling bad (once again, I hope, for my sake, I'm sincere in saying that). I'm not sure how things are gonna go for the next few weeks, and I guess I don't really know what I mean by that. so far the zoloft and desyrel haven't done too much, maybe a slight mood lift with the zoloft, but it makes me sleepy and kinda just blah, the desyrel is my night time medicine, and it just makes me sleep. I guess it's good that it's only noonish... I called Masters Photo, and they don't have a film recorder, and I really didn't feel like having to go to school today, I want to say I might, but I know I won't (tense changes...). It's cool to be able to go and do whatever I need to, pretty much whenever I want, but I guess I'm j/not in the right state of mind to do so. Friday, Gary and I tried going there so I could print some stuff in the digital lab, but it was closed by the time we got there...I was motivated that day. Saturday, I got to school early so I could print, and I made a solid attempt at taking steps to get to a point where I could better do an assignment for my drawing class, but the slide film I had was incompatible w/the film recorder at school. I ended up getting frustrated and saying forget it, knowing full well the bookstore had slide film in the freezer...I bought some on my way out, but I didn't feel like taking all of the steps to get a slide ready to be used in a slide projector. Masters said that Tri Color does it, but it's like $10-15 slide, and at school, I can do it a lot cheaper (I think all I have to provide is the film and probably the slide mount...I don't think I have to pay for chemicals). I dunno, my brain is scattered, so this might not read well. I ate some lunch, so that's a good thing. I played some games on my phone and stupid tetris is addicting, too bad I always hit the drop button...ugh! I think my mood is still about the same as it was above, maybe happier, maybe not. I hope I can get a couple more things perscribed to me...some sort of benzo(klonopin (preferably), xanax, or valium) because I get pretty anxious at times...especially before school, and some sort of stimulant (ritalin, adderall (preferably), etc.). I was on Ritalin from ages 4-11 and I j/can't concentrate very well anymore, so I think my ADD is making a comeback (I know, I've said before, "ADD is an excuse," but since I'm older when it's happening, I think it might be real). Really, I want to drop a class or two...either drawing or design concepts, or both, as they stress me out so much, drawing more so than design concepts. Maybe I wasn't ready for CCS yet, motivation in things I don't want to do has never been a strong point, or any sort of point of mine, I am motivated only in things I really want (maybe I'm saying I don't want a degree...). I do get excited about school at times, mainly in learning new processes, but the execution of some, I really dread. Like in photo, even though it's not a *real* photo class, I guess you could say, I get excited about learning how to print with the right profiles and I'm excited about using the film recorder (if I ever get motivated enough again), and next week I'll be starting my five weeks of metalshop, and I'm excited to learn how to weld (I know just a tiny bit, but nothing really, to make note of, so I guess this is a moot point) and I'm excited to use maybe some of the forming devices, cuz that's always been a cool thing to me. I dunno, I think right now I'm positive about some stuff. I'll probably make more entries today, or I won't just to prove myself wrong...I dunno...maybe I'm j/saying that to seem more screwed up (if I'm even screwed up at all). I don't know if I should talk to casey...I want to, but I'm not sure she'd even respond. I dunno if should take her off of my buddy list or not...it's j/that sometimes she says stuff that makes me really upset, other times things are fine. so yeah, done for now.
I'll try breaking things down into paragraphs, in entries to come, as I realize it gets hard to read w/o breaks in type. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2006|10:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | vulnerable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bright eyes - if winter ends ...I need an anthem | ] |
alright, I need to do this. not because of what I want out of it, but because I need to do this for me. I'm going to tell my mom we're broken up, it's going to be hard, but I need to do it. I think I'm going to tell her that I want to talk to someone, too, because what I'm feeling and thinking isn't good (I wouldn't want anyone to feel/think this way, I hope I'm being sincere in saying that). I'd like to think (and believe) that I can get through this, without outside help, but unfortunately, that isn't a realistic thought. I'm pretty sure there is only one person that reads this, and I know I can count on her (there we go with dependence, I wish I didn't need support) to help me through this, but if some random person reads this and would like to help, it'd be very much appreciated. I've never reached out like this, but I've never felt like this, either. I don't want to do anything stupid, or anything I will regret (I should have no regrets, I know), and I hope that is possible. Thanks for reading this, I hope I will update more often and be more positive. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|07:36 am] |
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my intentions for this entry were to reveal something, but I don't think that'd be smart. I didn't think I'd be like this, but I am. I do not want to go to school today. I don't want to go tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, and so on. there are songs that convey the way I feel, or how I want to be. why must I envelop myself in these thoughts that rip me apart? why must a post in journals about this? why did this happen? this is making me look worthless in the eyes of the one I want to mean everything to. maybe I do like the pain, yeah, hurt me. no one is home right now, and all I can hear are the fans in my computer and the clicking of keys from this keyboard. everything seems to be going wrong. just a week ago, when I thought things were getting better, I was doing a little better in school, understanding concepts, applying them, and such, things were looking up...everything crashed...I don't care about school, I put my work off when I have a lot to do, and when I do it, I make a half-assed attempt at completing the assignment. I wish I could be simple-minded enough so that I could do something else and forget about what's troubling me, but I have this stupid brain in my head that won't let me feel anything other than emotion. and things just got worse, a minute ago. maybe I do like the sympathy or the pity, it makes me feel wanted and cared for. I feel more detached from everything than I ever have before. I don't care what happens to me, my car, my possessions, my money...all I care about is her, some people, and my family. the devil did a good job today. I wish my questions would be answered, not the ones on here, but other ones. I wish my thoughts and ideas would be taken into consideration...I think they're pretty good. I wish I wasn't treated like some fucking child. I'm sick of apologizing for my feelings, everyone I've talked to, I've told them I'm sorry. I think I'm going to take my anti-depressants...I just don't want to be a zombie. I really want to, want to, live...it's just hard to think about the future right now. my mom is worried about me, so I did a great job with that. I should've told her I was fine, but I'm not...I don't like lying or putting on some mask to please others. I'm not happy, I'm not..I'm sad. I can't be short, to me it shows a lack of caring or wanting. I feel I have to please other before I can even think about doing something for myself. I take it too far...do unto others as you wish others would do unto you...my thinking is twisted. I'm too nice, I'm too caring, I'm too loving, I'm too much for me to take anymore. I wish I could eat. I wish I could quit. I wish I could do anything I wanted. I wish I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I wish I didn't feel sorry for myself. I wish I didn't think like this. I wish I wouldn't write this. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I didn't feel like this. I've turned this into something awful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2006|04:37 pm] |
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I feel like shit. I'd expand, but no sense reading things you don't want to read, right? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|11:20 pm] |
don't assume things are getting better, you're only setting yourself up for a let down. it's true, what they say, life sucks. |
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| ... |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
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I don't like today. It's (not) funny how things are opposite of what they were in my last entry. Everything in my life seems to have gone to shit. I don't like school and I'm not sure if casey and I will get back together. I don't know what to do. I just want things to be good again, in all areas of my life, as they once were, but I guess that's too much to ask. fuck life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|12:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Taking Back Sunday - MakeDamnSure | ] |
came on here to comment on one of someone's images. decided to make a post...
I don't really remember how to post in this deal...what to say, how to say it, etc. Life's been treating me really well lately. Casey is amazing, and I enjoy my photography class...maybe I did something really nice in a past life. work is lame, as always, but I have car payments and don't really feel like taking money out of my accounts for it...maybe I'll pay it off next year. I'm awaiting the release of the 30D to stores, as I want one...badly! Well, that's all that's going on here. Take care dudes and dudettes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|03:02 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Copeland - California (how fitting..) | ] |
I miss Casey. She's only been gone for a week, but it feels like an eternity. I can't wait till she gets back, next Saturday. Oh, what a glorious day that will be. I'll probably wake up at 6am or something cuz I'll be so excited. Yeah, I know, I'm gay. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|05:56 pm] |
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I don't have much to complain about right now, I j/get in these weird, depressing-ish moods, daily. That is all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|11:15 am] |
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and why do I get attached so easily? I shouldn't feel down when I'm not with that person, but I do. maybe I'm just stressed out since I've been procrastinating in school. I can't concentrate on the task at hand when I'm thinking about other stuff, though. and I'm always thinking about other stuff. it seems as though I can think about an infinite number of things at once, which totally fucks me. why can't I be some simple-minded ass clown? this is so annoying. I don't know what to do with myself. some might say let it out, and trust me, I'd love to, but I haven't shed a tear in over a year now. I've tried, but it just doesn't work. it's dangerous for me to be alone with my thoughts, but hanging out with the boys just isn't as fun anymore. I've done all I can think of, yet no progress has been made. life isn't supposed to be like this. well, sorry that this was all out of the blue and turned into a total bitchfest about how "horrible" my life is or whatever. maybe I j/can't be happy for more than a month anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|11:10 am] |
| [ | music |
| | probably something depressing | ] |
Yeah, I think way too much. I could go on and talk about it all, but I don't think it'd actually help. Why am I such an insecure piece of shit? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2005|11:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | it's permanent.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Anberlin - Stationary Stationery | ] |
So I haven't updated this thing in a long time. I'm pretty much over Kristen, but guess who I'm thinking about again..shoot me! I haven't been doing much of anything lately, school, work, bowling every once in a while, hanging out at Derek's..that's about it. I'm upset with myself for unknown reasons..I'm j/unsatisfied. I think I'm gonna be getting the camera that I want soon, so that's like the only positive thing right now. Yeah, I dunno..I probably should've updated this thing more often cuz everyone who reads this(three people, tops) are behind on the times..well, except Lesley cuz I still talk to her. Swartout is still standoffish with me, Kristen claims she wants to be friends but it's bullshit, reminds me of how that other girl wanted to be friends yet we wouldn't have "normal friend" conversations..though in that situation we atleast talked..Kristen talks to my other friends more than me, so that's sweet. Alright, this has turned into a bitch fest, so I'm done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2005|03:26 pm] |
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Yeah, I haven't been updating lately because I'm getting sick of always complaining about stuff. I haven't been doing much of anything, lately. School, work, Derek's, that's about it. I know it's pathetic, but I think this bullshit feeling is just me missing the feeling of being wanted. When some likes you or wants you around, you can feel it, and we all know it feels great. I know my friends want me around, but it's not the same. I know it's bad that I need other people to make me feel better, but I've tried making myself feel better(I think. With each failed attempt, I get more and more discouraged. How is it that other people can make me happy but I can't make myself happy? It's not supposed to work like that. I dunno, that's enough for now. |
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| Nice guys finish last |
[Jan. 18th, 2005|08:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Summer Formal - White Lies | ] |
Meh, so much for that. No chance of Andy and Kristen, anymore. I'm gonna get to the point where it's gonna take a hell of a lot to be able to put my whole heart and all my trust into girls if things keep going this way. Maybe I'll elaborate later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2005|12:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Thrice - In Years to Come | ] |
It's weird not having anything to bitch about anymore. Things are actually going pretty well for me. School isn't bad, and Deav. says our new owner at work is actually pretty cool. I've hungout w/Kristen three times this week, and I've loved every second of it. Tuesday, we went out to eat with Deav. and Jamie. Applebee's is good stuff. Jamie and Kristen were laughing like the whole time, so that was interesting. After that, I dropped him and Jamie off at his car, at Derek's, and we went our seperate ways. Kristen and I went to her house and I kinda-sorta helped her with her scrapbook while we watched Finding Nemo. I was over there for like 3.5hrs or so, but it didn't seem like I was there for long at all..time seems to fly when we're together. I went to school Wed and Thurs. It's so sweet..my weekend starts at about 11am on Thursdays, as I don't have a class on Fridays. I got home at around 11:05(we got let out early) or so, and just hungout. While Kristen was partying w/Mr. Curry and the rest of the v-ball team, I was cleaning up my room and bitchin at my parents about eating dinner faster. She ended up getting here at around 6:50 or so. We started off watching Boondock Saints, but as I expected, she didn't really like it. We turned it off halfway through and decided to watch Ready to Rumble. I think she thought it was a pretty funny movie, so Derek gets some credit for that since he introduced me to it. But yeah, we were watching it, just having a good time and all. I really do like spending time w/her..it's so cool to feel this way again. We *might* hangout tonight, but I doubt it..she's got v-ball practice, and I have work, so our schedules are kinda conflicting, but it's all good, we're having a movie day on Sunday :-D. Can you believe it..she's never seen any of the Lord of the Rings!! So I think we're gonna watch the first one, and she mentioned that she wanted to see "Without a Paddle" or whatever it's called, so we might watch that, too. I can't wait! Well, that's all from me, for now. I think I'm gonna take some pics or something for a bit. Later foos! |
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a1iveout0fhabit's journal